Friday, February 15, 2008

Wise Words - Please Take the Advice

This one goes out to the foreign cleaning lady:

Watching me pee is not proper etiquette. You do not need to stare at me as I wash my hands. I will not make a mess. You can clean around me and then leave. There is no need to wait. No one appreciates the staring.
See one of my previous blogs about how the cleaning staff at work do not actually clean anything. They don't. They just stare at you as you wash your hands...

This one goes out to the Mr. Sub guy:

When I order a veggie sub, this means I like veggies. It also means that I am not interested in meat. Please don't hold back on the veggies, consider the lettuce as the "meat" of any other sub. You sprinkling on a few shreds of lettuce is not going to do anyone good. When I say "more please" I would think this is self-explanitory, apparently it is not. When I say "lots of cucumbers" please put more cucumbers on then you would for someone who just says "cucumbers." You actually put three slices of cucumber on my large, foot-long sub, and when I was still waiting for more and not asking for any other topping, you realized this to be some sort of cue. The cue to put ONE more slice of cucumber! I don't understand. By the time my sub was made to YOUR standards, I am basically left with one thin layer of veggies between two thick pieces of bread. I just thought you should know that you will not lose any money in piling the veggies on thick... In fact, MR. SUB as a company will not lose any money. Lettuce is cheap... and so are you.

This one goes out to the creepy mailroom guy:

It was a nice idea to send out candy-grams to all the ladies on the 12th floor. But ranking all the ladies is disgusting. I don't want 5 candy-grams from you even if it does mean that you like me the best. I'm sure that none of the other ladies were impressed with their candy-gram multiples either. In fact, we're all still wondering how the minimum wage mailroom guy with a wife and two kids could afford to buy that many. One may have been a nice idea but 5 is just excessive, and no, it doesn't mean that you're getting in my pants now.
It is not my fault that the mailroom is situated just before the women's washroom. If I happen to pass you on my way to the washroom I am in no ways obligated to stop and talk. Aside from the pile of work I just left at my desk, I am clearly in a rush to the bathroom and hardly have time for small talk.
This does not mean you get to give the puppy dog face and whine to me the next time you see me "oh I saw you walk by and you didn't even say hi, do you not like me anymore?" News Flash: I NEVER LIKED YOU. You are known to all as the creepy mailroom guy. The people who are nice enough to talk to you also find you creepy but they think it's pathetic that you have no friends so they figure there is no harm in being nice. I made that mistake once and now look at the position I'm in...
If my fiance wants to send me flowers at work, this does not mean you can personally deliver them to me while announcing to everyone who passes that "these are for your lady" ... ahem ... GROSS!!! When flower delieveries go to the reception office, or anyone else in the mailroom, a nice email is sent to the recipient saying "you have a package, please come pick it up." Why the hell do you find it necessary to hand deliever?
You stop by my desk so often that my boss is concerned. If I'm on the phone, I obviously cannot talk to you so DO NOT stop and stare at me and wait until I get off the phone. Not only is it creepy, it's also rude and disrespectful. I had to tell a client I would call them back, because after ten minutes of you staring at me, you still did NOT take the hint. How on earth do you stare at someone for ten minutes talking to someone on the phone and not think to yourself, maybe I should leave and come back later?

Here is another example of a Thursday conversation that should NOT have happened.
Creepy mailroom guy (CMG) comes by my desk and says:

CMG: Hey there, (awkward pause) you looked stressed.
Me: I'm not stressed I'm just super busy.
CMG: They give you too much work to do?
Me: Yes we are backlogged, everyone is busy.
CMG: Just remember, it's almost Friday.
Me: (not thinking) Actually, it is my Friday today.
CMG: oh well, I just came to say hi.
Me: hi.
CMG: Sooooo...
Me: (still looking at my computer, I just decide to ignore him)...
CMG: how are the wedding plans going?
Me: good.
CMG: I still have to talk to my friend about coming to your Jack & Jill.
Me: ...
CMG: I think he will come, I just want to confirm and then I'll get the money for you.
Me: ok.
CMG: It's a good thing you asked me to print those tickets for you, otherwise I never would have known about this pre-wedding party/fundraiser thing.
Me: ...
CMG: Soooo...
Me: ...
CMG: Did you get the candy-grams I sent you?
Me: yes, isn't 5 a little excessive?
CMG: I was bored, and you work hard. It's a little something to help you get through your day.
Me: thank you, my friends will enjoy them too.
CMG: Ok well, I guess I'll let you get back to work... and I'll go back to my lonely desk in the mailroom.
Me: bye.

There was more to that conversation but I must have blocked it out of my memory. I do remember that he was at my desk for over five minutes. This was actually a short conversation as it usually takes him longer before he takes the hint. Really though, if he just wanted to say hi it shouldn't have taken him more than 10 seconds. I didn't really even have time to look away from my computer as I was so busy. He's like a child, walking away all mopey that I didn't make time for him.
I don't have any obligations to him. If I need something mass printed or mailed out I have to go to him. This doesn't mean he's my new best friend.

You asked me why "Sarah" doesn't come by the mailroom anymore. I nicely explained that they have moved her desk to the opposite side of the floor and she doesn't need to walk by you anymore. I was a little shocked to hear you say "Oh I know, she now sits at 1231A." How do you know this? How do you remember everyone's seat number? I don't even know MY desk number! I actually made the mistake of asking how he knew this information and THIS was his response.

CMG: Oh, I know when everyone moves seats as the requests come through the mailroom. I also know where everyone lives and how much money they make as I have to print off the payroll and mail it out. I know when someone gets fired, or they quit, and I know the difference between the two. I know everything about this place.

EFFIN CREEPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This needs to stop. You make everyone uncomfortable and you really could be fired for doing/saying the things you do. Telling me that I look hot when I wear my hair down, followed by the "paw" motion and the sound a cat makes... totally made me vomit. Putting some random girl's phone number in your cell phone that you happened to find on a payroll stub is actually breaking so many confidentiality laws is remarkable you haven't been arrested yet. Especially when your WIFE finds this number and then calls the woman to yell at her for giving her husband their phone number. What the duece?! You have a jealous wife at home and you are here asking everyone out on dates and sending them love notes and what not... STOP IT!

All the women were trying to find out what it is about you that makes you so creepy. Aside from all the things mentioned above, you are also one coke-bottle pair of glasses away from being a pedophile...

But that is just my opinion.


Danny said...

Lol, this is funny stuff. Just make sure you don't open yourself up for slander or libel, boo... ;-)

your-writer said...

OMG - That guy is not only creepy - but if it were me, I would be downright terrified of him!!! I totally think you should report him - WACKO!!!! I died laughing at this and the 'mean people' one. LOL good job! You're a great writer.

Jac Star said...

Oh well I'm not really worried about slander, I didn't name names. Well I named Sarah, but she has my back.

Danny said...

Lol, this is funny stuff. Just make sure you don't open yourself up for slander or libel, boo... ;-)