Sunday, December 21, 2008

I smell another rant

OK so I read another article that got me all twisted up and I thought I'd share it with the world.

There is a couple in New Jersey with three kids. Each kid has a horribly awful name.

Adolf Hitler Campbell - 3 years old
JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell - 2 years old
Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell - almost one

This is the story about poor Adolf Hitler Campbell who couldn't get a personalized birthday cake for his third birthday. The cake company had some nerve not spelling out "Adolf Hitler" on this three-year-old's cake. It's just a name, for Heaven's sake. Alright, that's about as sarcastic as I can get on this story.

The parents try each year to get their child a cake. You'd think they would give up on this particular bakery and just stick with Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart doesn't show any biases, apparently.

In previous years, the parents attempted to order a personalized cake with swastikas. Dad doesn't seem to think there is a problem with this. He claims he is not racist, he was just raised not to socialize with other races (this is where I insert one of those emoticons with the raised eyebrow.)

He says it's just a name and people should get over it. Just because the real Hitler had such a past, doesn't mean his son will have the same fate. He says we have a new president so it's time for a change. Let's not look into the past, people, it's all about the future.

OK WE are not the ones naming our children after people in the past. Why didn't they just give their child the name "racist"? It's just another word after all. Just because I call you Racist Campbell, doesn't mean that you will turn out to be a racist, right?

And Aryan Nation? How do you figure that's a suitable name? Hitler brought on a genocide, the Aryan Nation was a group of white supremacists, but again, these are just names.

I feel bad for the youngest one. I've google'd and wikipedia'd but I've got no information on this Honsz Hinler person, aside from the fact that he was a Nazi. He just doesn't seem as significant as Hitler the racist leader, or Aryan Nation, the group of racists. He's just a Nazi with no other fame. Clearly that kid won't amount to anything.

Another question to ask ourselves (with another one of those inserted raised eyebrow emoticons) is this:

If a bakery will not allow "Adolf Hitler" inscribed on a cake, why does the government allow this on a birth certificate?

Monday, December 8, 2008

It Gets Worse

So in my life time I've had plenty of "it gets worse" stories. All very entertaining, and it's become one of my party specialties. If I start a story with "it gets worse" my best friend usually calls everyone over and says "oh, you have got to hear this one."

It's been a while, but here's how my day started today.

I woke up this morning a little later than normal and was in a rush to get ready. I straightened my hair yesterday so that wasn't an issue. However, looking into the mirror I noticed my hair was just not as great as the night before... Dang bedhead. Well I only have time for a quick brush, but of course that doesn't fix anything, it just leaves me with a good two inches of frizz. Whatever, I'm not superficial, I'm surprised I actually looked in the mirror this morning.

I leave for the office, trying to figure out how to work my brand-spanking-new Ipod. My husband was up at all hours of the morning making sure that it was fully charged and fully loaded with good tunes. I made sure to read the instructions so there was no question of what to do. Well the menu and play buttons only work sometimes, the next and previous buttons work properly, nothing else works at all. I am able to get one song to play, can't adjust the volume so endure it at full blast. The song ends, and starts again. I look at the Ipod to see it's on permanent repeat, but because none of the buttons work, I'm unable to fix that. I check to see if maybe I have it on hold. I push the hold button and apparently that's now the "off" button. Grrr. I turn it back on only to get a message that says "bey-bey" before going off again. I can only assume that means Bye-bye but I wasn't aware that Ipods communicated in such a way. Ripped off. I was sold a cheap knock off on Ebay. Just great. If it worked properly, I probably wouldn't even know the difference. I'm tech-challenged after all.

Now I get to the bus terminal only to see that there are no longer bus stops. The terminal moved from the south end of the mall to the north end without any notification. By the time I get there I will have missed my bus. Lucky for me I spot a bus stop across the street. I hope that if I stand there long enough, my bus will come. It does.

I am on the bus reading my new book. This book was sent to me by the author herself, signed and everything. I drop it in a puddle. I don't drop books, but this one decided to fall right on out of my hands.

I get to the subway station. Wait for a good 15 minutes before an announcement states that there is some train down and we have to wait for it to get fixed before they can send out more trains. By the time the train comes, the station is packed and we all get to herd ourselves into the train and fight for a seat. I get one. By the time I get to the next station I figure out why this seat was left just for me. Apparently I sat in something. So now I'm cold and wet and have a mystery spot on my pants.

By the time I get to work I have almost forgotten about the pants before I get a big whiff of beer. Since I'm all alone and have yet to have a drink, where could that smell be coming from? I check my pants... Doesn't look like beer but I dread to think what it is. It's left a big white spot on my clean black pants. Grrr.

Wait a minute, why am I all alone in the office? I was a good 20 minutes late due to the train extravaganza. Everyone in my department has either called in sick or decided to work from home. Priceless.

Today, of all days, is my birthday. Some birthday.

So I call my husband almost in tears to explain about my day and he says to me "well at least they didn't decorate your desk with balloons." He knows I'm petrified of balloons so I suppose this should be a positive thing... But that's when I notice that they didn't decorate at all. I didn't even get a card signed by everyone. They forgot completely!

Well at least I have a cake to look forward to, right? My husband reminds me that's my job. So I have to make my own birthday cake? He says "no, you can buy one if you want." I actually find this funny. I've only been awake for two hours and all of these things have happened to me.

I really need a coffee. My girlfriend sends me an email, "happy birthday, I can't take you for coffee, I am working from home today." BAH

The director of Twilight, Catherine Hardwicke has officially signed off the project. She won't be making the next movies. I actually feel like this is my fault. What else can go wrong today?

Come to think about it, my bad luck started yesterday. I didn't recognize it though because I wasn't the direct target. First, we set up our Christmas tree only to find we have no lights, they're all burnt out or broken. We go to the store to buy more lights forgetting that our two puppies and one kitten have yet to see a Christmas and don't understand the concept. We got home to find the tree was still standing. That's good. But we're still in the driveway looking in the front window when I see a small grey furry thing towards the top of the tree. I said to my husband "is that Ender?" and before he can look our tree falls to the floor. That was entertaining. No one was hurt and the tree was bare so nothing was broken. Danny says "well at least the puppies didn't pee on it."
He then decides to take out the kitchen garbage. As he's tying up the bag, my littlest pup Cinnamon, decides to cock up his leg and pee all over it. I know he didn't have to go, but for whatever reason he wanted to mark his territory all over the garbage bag. I thought that was pretty funny too but only because it wasn't me. Danny was furious.

The day is getting better, my friend sent me an email with attachments. Hot pictures of not one but TWO of my top 5 celebrity hotties. My best friend took me out for lunch and my boss passed me that signed card. I wasn't forgotten.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Fantasy - Top 5

I have decided to spice up my life with a little fantasy.

We all have top 5 lists. Usually it starts with "top 5 celebrities, I'd leave my spouse for"
For me, this changes depending on my mood, but my number one guy has always been somewhere in the top 5 so I'm thinking he's there to stay.

Here is my "top 5 celebrities"

  1. Ewan McGregor
  2. Daniel Craig
  3. Jeffrey Dean Morgan
  4. Dave Grohl
  5. Dwayne Johnson

These are in no particular order really, and as I said, they do change from time to time... with the exception of my Ewan. I actually had a dream the other night where I left my husband for Daniel Craig. In the dream, I said to my husband "I'll always love you, but I'm leaving you for Daniel Craig." He was heartbroken and devastated. So I tried that line when I woke up. He said "well it's James Bond, I don't mind." That made me smile. So I am allowed to leave my husband for James Bond as long as he makes my top 5 list. If he were number 6, well I've been told "I won't be left for a number 6 guy, that's just an insult."

Another list, which I also found very difficult to make:

Top 5 FICTIONAL characters that I wish were real

  1. Edward Cullen (though methinks this is a tie with his brother Jasper)
  2. Victor Krum
  3. Richard B. Riddick
  4. McSteamy
  5. Will Tippen

Despite the fact that all these people were made into movie/TV characters, I'm not actually talking about the actors who portray them. The characters themselves are pretty sexy. Edward and Jasper Cullen from Twilight, Victor Krum from the Harry Potter series, Riddick from Pitch Black, McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy, and Will Tippen from Alias. I've added pictures below, but for Edward, Jasper, and Victor, I suggest reading the books. That way you can use your imagination and create the perfect guy.

I was thinking about adding Chuck Norris to either of these lists, but truth be told Chuck Norris is his own top 5.

The Bet

I believe that everyone of legal age, and maybe some that aren't, have partaken in what is called 'the bet' at least once in their lives.

This is where you see who can go the longest between you and your significant other without some form of sexual act. In high school, it could be as simple as 'let's see who can go the longest without kissing the other' then you bet your virginity on it. Maybe not something as substantial as that but whatever the reward is for the winner, it's also as exciting for the loser.

Then you play this fun game of trying to tease the other to cave first. This could last a long time, or a short time depending on the bet itself. Basically it comes down to a sexual act for a sexual act. If I lose, I have to do a strip tease, but if you lose then you have to give me a full body massage. Really, who cares who loses at this point? The reward is done in privacy for the person you love. It's not humiliating. And if I really don't want to do a little dance around the bed, then I'll just promise myself to not crack under pressure. I'll make you kiss me, or whatever the actual bet is. I'll win, you'll see.

Word to the wise, don't try this bet when you're married. It's a stalemate. You'd be surprised at how long I could go without kissing my husband. He doesn't seem to mind either. There is nothing seductive in this game at all.

For those married who want to spice up their relationship with a little bet, try this. The first one to leave the toilet lid/seat up has to clean it consecutively for six months. You'd be surprised how exciting THAT game can get. It doesn't involve sex at all, but everyone needs a clean toilet, and no one offers to do that job.